I’ve come to realize in my moments of solitude that I am not alive. I may be living right now just as you reading this right now but I truly am not alive. Make no mistake. I, Desmond L. Thomas, am not alive in any sense of the word except for a literal interpretation. I am not alive. I am not dead however. You cannot die until you are alive, to think anything else is simply wrong and is incomprehensible. I am 18 years old. I have not lived even close to 18 years though. I’m not sure if I’ve ever truly lived a single day of my life now that I come to think about it. Today is October 27th 2008. I was born on March 24th 1990. Yes I was born as all creatures on this earth, this vast yet empty Earth, this still does not prove that I am alive. Birth is not a sign of life. Birth is nothing but the very beginning of death. The second that birth is achieved, the countdown has begun. Everything will one day fade and die rather it achieved life or it could not possibly from a physical sense achieve life. I reiterate that I am not alive. As I said before, I am not dead though. I have no interest in death or ending my current “life”. On the contrary, my goal and my very reason for writing this self-analysis is to express my desire to change my “life” as it is. I want to live. I want to be alive. I need to be alive. Can I be alive? I want to be alive.
Everyday in my life feels as if it is exactly the same moment repeating itself. Everything I do feels exactly the same. Each day feels like yesterday or is it tomorrow? They’ve all been the same lately, regardless of college or not. Time is hard to understand, we as humans control the very flow of our time, our perception of time is how time exists. Many say that high school is supposed to be the best time of our lives. I’m not sure how anyone could make that claim. How do we know that a minute is truly a minute? We don’t. There’s no way that we can possibly truly comprehend how time flows. After all, the ideas of seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and years are all of human invention. Time itself has no categorization. I cannot turn back the passage of time. I miss my childhood. I’m not sure if things really were easier back then or if the world was really a better place, I’m not sure if the kindness and simplicity that I remember is nothing but a figment of my imagination. I honestly don’t care. I don’t like this “adult” life, I’m tired of only being recognized as an adult when it benefits somebody else, if I’m going to be an “adult” I want to be considered one all the damn time and get that level of respect. I think I’d rather be treated as a kid and not have any responsibilities, than be treated as a supposed adult and have to deal with this crap. Another thing, time supposedly heals all wounds. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. People have hurt me and I remember it. Nothing has healed. I don’t see why it would. I don’t understand time, and I don’t think I ever will. I just want to feel like I have control of my time before it runs out though. I’m tired of this eternal cycle of monotony and the false adulthood that has been thrusted onto me. If I could control time I would in a heartbeat. I can’t though. I still wish I could turn back the clocks and redo so much. I can’t though.
As I sat down and began writing this paper, the first pen I reached for was a red one. This paper was written entirely in red ink. Red is the color of blood. I have a love/hate relationship with blood. On one hand, I find blood to be entrancing and remarkable since it flows through the bodies of every living creature, one can argue that blood is the sign that we’re alive. I see it differently. To me blood is not a sign of life but a sign of pain. The blood in our bodies lies dormant until we are injured, then the crimson flood flows from the mark of our pain just like a river that will continue to flow until healed. We never see blood until we are hurt, it is a sign of both pain and a reminder of life. This is why blood terrifies me. I used to want to be a surgeon but I realized I can’t handle seeing others in pain and dying. I used to be terrified of death itself. I’m not really anymore but I still don’t want to have to see anyone suffer. Especially myself. I have a low tolerance for pain, when I bleed I feel sick at the very site of it. I don’t like being in pain. No one does. I’m scared of being hurt, both physically and mentally. I’ve shielded myself from many experiences just because of the risk that comes with them. Maybe pain isn’t always bad? I don’t like being in pain. My fear of rejection and being hurt has held me back from being alive. I want to shed it away. I don’t like being in pain though. I want to change my fears and cast them away. I want to be able to endure pain. I want to be able to enjoy the pain that tells me that I still live. I’ve pictured myself with a gun pointed towards my head in my mind. I would never carry out such an act. I’ve pictured it though, I pictured the intense pain for a second and the pain of everyone that supposedly cares about me long after my pain was silenced. What a thrilling way to prove I exist and live. I would never do it. Honestly. I wouldn’t. I don’t like being in pain. Vivid images of myself in pain come sometimes in my mind, I don’t like them and want to avoid them.
My mother has a collection of angel statues that she keeps in a glass cabinet. Sometimes I just stop and stare at the pristine figures, they appear so perfect to someone like me. I wish I could be an angel. I want a perfect soul. I’ve always viewed myself as a pretty good person, people tell me that I’m very kind and a generally nice guy. I want to protect someone. I’ve always been someone who cries at the tears of others, I’m the kind of guy that has always put the interests of others before my own as long as it made someone happy. I want to give happiness to as many people as I can. Sometimes, such as now I feel that I cannot give happiness to myself .One of my philosophies in life is to try to show kindness to each and everyone that I meet, regardless of how I personally feel about them. I’m not sure if this is necessarily bad but I want to do something for myself. Something that only I can accomplish that will bring my own happiness. That of others doesn’t matter at this time. No that is not quite the right way to put it. I will never stop caring about the hearts and feelings of others, but I’m ready to do something for myself. I want to be an angel. I want a pair of glistening, white wings and a golden halo above my head. I want to fly through the sky and look at everyone below me with nothing but pure and noble intentions. What I want is a dream. Dreams aren’t so bad are they? Angels will always be a sign of hope for me, I will never be as pure as an angel but I can continue to carry on with my sense of right and wrong. I want a perfect soul. I know I can’t have one because its unrealistic but I want a perfect soul. I don’t want to deal with the consequences of mistakes. I just want to fly away as an angel.
I’ve deluded myself into believing that I need a lover in my life. I know that love is nothing like it is in fairy tales and TV shows but I still want to experience it. I want to be in love. I’m envious of those around me who have found someone to love, someone that they can share themselves with. I’ve closed myself off from a lot of people. I want to share parts of me that I don’t even fully understand. I want to be in love. I’ve grown up listening to silly little love songs, imagining that love for me could be as it is in those songs. What’s wrong with silly little love songs? I want to be in love. No one seems to have any interest in me, I’m not sure if its me or if it isn’t. They say women like nice guys and gentlemen. I’ve been both of those my entire life, and not because I’ve been told to be, just because it’s the way I am. In my mind I picture myself as a knight for some beautiful and incredible girl, someone who is as radiant as the sun. I want to protect her. I need her. I don’t want to believe that love doesn’t really exist for me but I want a sign, a sign that I have hope with someone that I can spend the remainder of my life with. Love is the thing that is most important to me in the entire world. I believe that love truly can conquer nearly anything, I’m a sap but I don’t care. I want love for myself. I need love for myself. My dreams are to be married and have a family. That is my future happiness. I want to take the first step to present happiness. I don’t want to do it alone. No one needs to do it alone. I want love, I need love. I want to be someone’s star. I need to be someone’s star. I want to be in love. Who doesn’t want to be in love?
In conclusion, I want to be alive but before I can truly be alive I have to change. I want to change. Change is hard. I want to change. I need to change. I need to be alive. I want to be alive. What is alive? What is dead? Living is dying. Dying is living. I don’t care. I want to be alive. I don’t understand who I am most of the time but I don’t care. I want to be alive. I may be naïve, I may be foolish, I may not understand anything but I don’t give a damn. I want to be alive. Life is beautiful I suppose. I want to be alive and justify this claim for myself. I don’t want to keep just being like I am right now.
Thanks for reading this I suppose…
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